Remembering While I Doubt

"When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, 'The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.'" Judges 6:12 NIV

What keeps the runner running even when the pain is great and the thirst is heavy?

What keeps them pushing past the shaded tree without stopping? As a runner, what keeps me going is remembering my goal, the finish line. Sometimes I must slow down, but never will I choose to stop.

In Part 1 of this series, "Hiding While I Build", I told you I had stopped running some mornings because I could not eat enough to train. But the road does not leave you. Even when I could not run, the runner in me remembered.

Part 1 reflected on the questions I had - the questions we have all had at our lowest points, when we cannot make sense of our hardest moments: will my situation change, or will I only be given the strength to carry it? Would Gideon eventually overcome his enemies, or would he forever be in hiding?

The angel had just called Gideon a mighty warrior. Was that a mistake? Or sarcasm, some joke at his expense? Gideon pushed back with what he saw as the facts:

"Pardon me, my lord," Gideon replied, "but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian." Judges 6:13 NIV

Instead of being thankful for being called a mighty warrior, Gideon genuinely referenced his doubts. Like me, he had unanswered questions - or were they answers we did not want to accept? Have you ever felt as if the answers were only in the past, in those Bible stories, but not quite in the present? Or did the Bible skip a lot of details and fast-forward to the good parts?

Like a runner who remembers the finish line and chooses to keep pushing until they see it, I am doing the same by remembering those times when God provided for me, using my memories like stepping stones towards my goal.

And those memories go even further back before this time. I can remember my first computer, a custom build, my dream computer with a MSI limited edition motherboard and later I got an upgrade within my warranty to another limited edition, the MSI K7T Turbo-R, with 128MB RAM with a 64MB Nvidia graphics card. Back then that was like a high-end PC, and I remember when I picked it up, the delivery guy was asking why would I want to have a 64MB graphics card. I had the specifications before I had the money. I contacted a supplier and got a quotation, and still did not have the money, especially as I was on my first job. Then, very soon, I benefited from a deal that was made before I ever started working: staff would receive an increase in salary plus back pay. That extra money was what I needed to purchase my dream computer. I did not give up because I did not have the money. Referencing past blessings, I asked God for a miracle and it happened.

That experience came back to me now as I reflected on my unemployment. That provision was already set and confirmed before I even started to pray for a miracle, before I knew what I would need. And it did not stop at that purchase, because I then went on to develop the skills I have today which has allowed me to freelance during my moment of unemployment. God was not only answering a prayer; He was equipping me for a future I did not yet see. Still, I often forget these moments and get buried by doubt and fear. So I am pushing back by remembering while I doubt, trusting God to do it again and again.

Reflecting on my most recent challenge, being unemployed, I am seeing how things have been slowly working out - not at the speed or in the way I would want it, because I still have challenges with not having, but it could have been worse. And from what I have observed, my situation now looks like part of a bigger journey, a phase on a running course.

I have been able to freelance and leverage my skills to make just enough money to meet some of my needs, which has been like a ray of hope. I have also made the biggest step towards building my own cybersecurity brand, making a way out of no way - and that takes time and effort. Like a pioneer, I am faced with the challenge of being the first on my personal journey, opening up a way for myself and, by extension, others.

It started with the opportunity to build my first WordPress security plugin. Then two more for a client. Then a methodology built on existing frameworks to close a gap I had identified - delivered to my first client, and it opened other doors: secure websites, portals, work I could not have planned for.

So daily I keep remembering: the times I was able to use my skills to provide a service and the funds met an emergency, and the times I learnt new things within my field as an IT professional. Being able to create something new, or to test existing things for better understanding in a practical way, is valuable - and for that I give thanks.

I won't pretend that my challenges have all gone, because like Gideon I still ask questions and ask for signs to help overcome my doubts. There are moments when I stop and ask God if I am really on the right path, or am I just ignoring my demise. One important lesson I am still learning is that remembering how God has provided for me, in the past and in the present, does not remove my doubt or my fear of failure - and for that reason I commit to remembering while I doubt, trusting that God will continue to take me through. The remembering puts me in a better place mentally and keeps me grounded, so that I will not be overcome by the same fears and doubts. Each day I stand upon another blessing, which is like another step up to where God is taking me.

Maybe the answer is that I will be given the strength to overcome my challenges and rise above them, so that eventually they would not be a challenge anymore - just another stepping stone upward. It is similar to how I got to the place where I could run 21 kilometers without a problem.

The 21 kilometers were not taken away. I just got stronger, until I ran the distance with ease and faster than the first time I ran it.

The shaded trees are still there along the course - the safe but miserable life I wrote about in Part 1, inviting me to stop and settle. But a runner who remembers the finish line passes the shade.

So the question I left at the end of Part 1 had not two possible answers but one, because I now see that God has given me the strength I need to carry my situation and the power to change it.

So now when someone asks me, "How is it going?", I will still say, "It's coming on fine." The same words - but this time they are not a hiding place. I say them because I now understand the process and the journey, and when I punch in 1 + 1 and receive a negative answer, it is because I have only calculated one part of a larger equation. God is not finished with me as yet.

The Lord turned to him and said, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?" Judges 6:14 NIV