Hiding While I Build

"Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, ‘Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?...'" Judges 6:13 NIV

I think it was the sound of a passing vehicle's horn that snapped me out of the trance of my grind, like running on a treadmill but going nowhere. I've spent hours working without much sleep trying to create a job opportunity for myself. Like many others worldwide, I've been experiencing the challenges of being unemployed. There were options I explored but they turned out to be traps taking up my time with a useless reward. I started building a way but that was never my plan, just as running from a wild animal was never the survivor's plan. They run to survive, not because they want to run. It's all about survival and being determined never to give up. I decided to create my own opportunity. In spite of my resolve there were many times I thought that I was doomed to live a mediocre life, and that the plan I had to create something was wishful thinking. Maybe I took on more than I could manage. Maybe I should just give in to the safe but miserable life and stop working for a life that seemed to be out of my league.

All those years of speaking life into situations and being positive felt powerless and circumstantial. I had a job then, so yes, I could 'speak life' and be positive. But now, jobless, those words of life felt like a mockery.

The path I'm now on is harder but some days I'd get a spike of funds that would be just enough to keep me afloat and then I would have to grind until another spike appeared. I believed with some momentum this would get better.

For a while I was stuck between two options, holding on to getting a job and creating my own job opportunity, until I got a big break with my first client for my cybersecurity brand. This was my spike, and it came just as I was going under. It was not big financially but it was a small, steady stream, with potential that I can build upon to take me forward.

While I expressed gratitude for my first client, my situation still had not changed and I continue to struggle with doubt and fear of failure. Many times I feel as if I am being delusional. Am I just being positive while ignoring the facts? I keep getting compared to existing companies and mature solutions. Why attempt to create something that failed for others? Why bother solving the gaps?

I've always been one to come up with great ideas but the past taught me to be cautious with sharing them. This led me to be secretive. While I did share some things, the most valuable ones I kept to myself but this created a challenge. Without funds I couldn't build at scale, and the fear of having my ideas stolen made that harder.

Then there are the doubters, those who bring negative vibes and discouragement. Some do it out of concern while others out of jealousy but neither improves my situation.

I keep asking whether it is realistic or crazy to think that I could build my own job and financial stability. My thoughts are like a yo-yo; sometimes I am motivated while other times I'm not. My progress often feels like an illusion with no immediate change. Have I been delusional and just rationalizing my reality? Has my faith in God become a fantasy that I have been holding on to just to keep my sanity? I struggle with not having anything really solid to go beyond my doubts and survival mode.

"...Gideon threshed wheat in the winepress, in order to hide it from the Midianites." Judges 6:11 NKJV

My hiding does not stop at ideas. but also my struggle, and this is where it is the hardest.
One plus one is two. But when I punch in my numbers, I keep getting a negative answer, so when someone asks how things are going I tell them it's coming on fine. I have learned that my unemployment, struggles and delays are seen as negatives, a sign of my lack and not being good enough. I must be doing something wrong and if I did things right I would not still be in my present situation.

Outside the church they say I am doing it wrong. Inside the church they say I lack faith.
So when someone asks how it's going, I just tell them it's coming on fine.

I've had nightmares. There have been days without food. A man comes to search the rubbish at my apartment building most mornings. I used to see him on my way out to run. I don't run those mornings now. I can't eat enough to train. And I have looked at a man like him and assumed he brought it on himself.

Every day someone struggles and suffers. Why should I think my situation would be different?

Where do I draw the line between believing better will come and admitting my life is going down the drain? How do I know that God will see me through? Will my situation change, or will I only be given the strength to carry it?

"When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, 'The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.'” Judges 6:12 NIV.